Why does it have to be spiders?

Arachnophobia.

A lot of us have it, me (and Ron Weasley) included. No matter how many times I read or watch Charlotte's Web, I do not come away with a love for spiders. Sure, Charlotte was a great friend to Wilbur, and I feel bad for him that he lost her, but she was a spider. Sure, spiders eat other bugs, but that doesn't mean I want them around any more than any other creepy insects.

So, since I'm afraid of spiders, I don't want them around. BUT since I'm afraid of them, I'm usually too freaked out to get near enough to kill them. This is a problem. However, I've come to realize that spiders' creep factor increases exponentially according to size, so I've developed the following chart to determine how to deal with them.

Spider Scale

1. The smallest spider on the scale is about the size of the head of a pin. Obviously, this is the best size of spider to have. It can be dispatched of with a tissue without causing a significant amount of grief to the arachnophobic. Unless, of course, you happen to be driving a car at the time, and one of these is making its way along your steering wheel, like I had happen this week.

2. Next is the slightly larger size, approximately the diameter of pen or pencil. This size causes some concern to the arachnophobic, and requires the swift use of a shoe to dispose of the bane.

3. Now the spider is around the size of a quarter. This is where the arachnophobic begins to run out of options. You can actually see the hair on its disturbing body and long legs. No longer small enough to comfortably crush, you must resort to trapping the beast. Grab an empty cup, jar, or box and drop it over the creature. Now that it can't move and you can no longer see it, it becomes less worriesome. From here you can either let it remain in the trap until it dies, or carefully carry it away (slipping a piece of paper under the trap) and releasing it into The Wild. Of course, with the second option you have the possibility of accidentally releasing it before you get to The Wild, in which case you have to start all over again, provided the spider hasn't already successfully hidden itself from you. I currently have one of these under a box on my work table at home, which is really hindering my ability to work.

4. The Tarantula. This is something no arachnophobic should ever have to see in real life. If you do come across one that is not safely behind glass or on a computer/television screen, the only real option is to run over it with your car. Do not get out to look unless you are certain it got creamed.

5. The Acromantula. Pray that this giant spider only exists in books and movies like Harry Potter (Aragog) and Lord of the Rings (Shelob), because it will in fact eat you. I think the only way to kill them is with magic or an Elfin-made sword. And good luck getting your hands on one of those!

So, fellow arachnophobes, in the future when you are paralyzed with fear in the face of a spider, just refer back to my handy chart to determine on a scale of one to five how much you should be flipping out.